I woke up and on this day, this momentous day of a happy occasion and my insides groaned. Deep in the pit of my being I felt the unsettling ache of a grave injustice and yet I was equally overwhelmed and overcome with the knowledge and understanding of an undeserving, unearned, and undeniable grace.…The day of my firstborns birthday. How do you celebrate the life of one son as you ache and mourn for the loss of the life of the other? The very concept is unreal. Within mere weeks I mourned my beautiful baby boy who’s birthday is the same as his day of death. I stood beside a tiny itty bitty casket and clung to my faith like as if I was clinging to the side of a mountain, legs dangling hanging on for my life. Now weeks later I stand in the tension of the blessings of a brand new teenager. I dreamt of this day. We dreamt of this day. Praise God! My firstborn is healthy, brilliant and strong, but… Lord Jesus but. I sincerely overflow with love for life of my eldest. I sincerely am overcome with grief for the loss of life of my youngest. I want to dance and sing and celebrate. I also ache. I mean this grief hurts physically. My soul stands at the crossroads of a love that leads me to lament and a love that leads me to live abundantly. I whisper a desperate honest prayer. I tell God about the grave injustice and in the same breath I rejoice and thank him for the grace and favor. There is this knowing in the depths of my soul that something deeply, utterly and profoundly is wrong about me loosing my baby boy. There is also just as apparent an awareness that the gracious gift of my brilliant beautiful first born boy is a gift from God, so good I couldn’t work to earn or deserve. I stand in the juxtaposition of grief and gratitude, a soul flowing with joy and sorrow, a heart broken and empty and a heart that swells and overflows, a life I love and the one I lament. It is not either or it very much is both and.
Sometimes, I am learning we should submit to the movement of life not fight against. I was on a ride that for all intense purposes is the same as the spinning tea cups at Disney world. I guess, this is the Universal, Islands of Adventure version. If you’ve been on something similar you get the picture. A form of a circular vehicle turns around and around and around. Kids love these rides, we go on these rides because we love our kids. Everything in me wants to throw my body out of the vehicle to escape the incessant spinning, dizzying, and nauseating impact of the ride. Except it does not work that way. There is no way to get off sooner or faster or make the whirlwind of an event easier. You must lean into the spinning and hold on. I am of the opinion that the best way through is with your eyes wide open, fully aware and alert. It is only more nauseating if you close your eyes. Sure, with eyes wide open at times what you see will be blurry, distorted and even disturbing. Endure and experience the ride until it is over. It is over, when it is over there is no rushing through. The sights will become more clear and the ground underneath you will still, when you endure.
I woke up between two worlds living joyfully out loud and lamenting. I decided that I wouldn’t choose. I didn’t have to. I don’t have to. You don’t have to. It is all real. Every glorious and gritty piece of it is real. The pain of loss and the pleasure of celebrating the life of my son. One will not cancel the other out. I sobbed into my pillow. I lamented in prayer. I prayed through the pain and I pleaded for strength. I got up. I carried the loss with me. I allowed the knowledge and truth of standing by the graveside to infuse and ignite my fire to live and celebrate my boy on this side of life. I love the life I loss and I live with that. I will never deny this searing pain. I will also not deny the gift of the beautiful life of my family here with me. I submit to the dizzying, nauseating spin of the two. I trust and know the ride does not last forever. The intensity and severity will subside. I will walk through the beauty and the brutality and not deny one of the two. Somehow the darkness makes the light shine brighter.
