So much that I don’t know, but the few things I do

“No mother should have to bury their child, no mother should have to bury their child, no mother should have to bury their child, no mother…” my nurse repeated this searing truth over and over as she rubbed my back. I tried desperately to get the ground underneath me to stay still, the room not to shift and my mind to steady as I attempted to grasp some semblance of bearings on reality. Okay Tamara! What is happening! What is happening? I attempted to tune into my five senses. The warmth of her skin on mine as she rubbed my back. I didn’t have the time to even tie up that cumbersome hospital garment(everything happened so fast) it was hard to see beyond the steady flow of tears. I sat there in the middle of my worst fears. Salty tears on my lips. Pain reverberates throughout my body. A mix between the aftermath of labor(no epidural here) and the stinging, piercing blow of death. Not my baby. Not my precious baby, oh God no! Not my baby! My gracious husband clenches my hand. Is he squeezing for his comfort or mine? Either way we both search for each others eyes through streams of tears flooding our eyes and stinging our cheeks.

I went to visit the gravesite today. Somewhere between writing lessons with my daughter and a Costco run, the ache of my heart could not be silenced and I found myself in front of my babies grave. Just typing that out tears at my soul. How is this real? How did this become a period on such an incomplete sentence? I couldn’t believe I was pregnant. I was in complete denial that I was in labor. I remain in shock now that my baby is gone. I was on the hunt for the perfect crib, God I never wanted to pick out a casket. I daydreamed of my older two comforting my new baby boys cries, in my wildest nightmares I couldn’t have possibly imagined them crying for their baby bother. I didn’t imagine I would loose you and attend to their cries. So many questions! So many! So much bitter pain. So much longing.

Lord I don’t know….. I don’t know how you allowed such a depth of pain

I don’t know why his precious life with us was a vapor of time

I don’t know why such brokenness exists in the world or why you allow it

I don’t know why this is our story

I don’t know how the distance between life and death can be so frail, so short

I don’t know how to express the depth of magnitude of love for our precious baby boy

I don’t know when the weight and depth of such debilitating grief will ease

I do know our love for our precious boy is real, powerful and true

I do no know there are treasures to be found in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3)

I do know I trust the author, architect and almighty God with each intricate detail of my life.

I do know God is a healer and restorer of our souls (psalm 23)

I do know joy will come

I do know I will hold my precious beautiful boy again

I do know God will take ashes and turn them into beauty, he will take what was meant for evil and turn it for good. ( Genesis 50:20)

I do know one day there will be no more tears no more sorrow and no more death or pain (Revelation 21:4)