I believe you except I don’t
It is hard to admit. It feels wrong or dare I even say shameful. Okay let’s back up. Let’s start at the beginning. You see I am a true blue church girl. Born and bred, certified church girl. Want to get more specific? I’m a PK (a preachers kid). I was in the church every time the doors were open. Not only did I commit my time, I committed my life. Oh, this God thing become my own! This is beyond an act or a show. My faith has been cemented from early on. So much so it’s gone from an internal commitment to an external display and daily decision. My belief in Jesus Christ life, death and resurrection spills into all I do and all I am. Like a bowl filled with baking ingredients that has been well blended. You can not seperate one ingredient from the other. My faith in Jesus Christ has been deeply and thoroughly mixed into all that I am and all that I do. Yet and still I find myself struggling with something seemingly elementary. This brings us back to my original point. There it is, I just said it. The b word. It’s belief. I am struggling with my belief.
okay, are you judging me? If you are you’re not alone. Girl, if I could I might even throw a stone at myself. It’s not the birth, life, death, burial and resurrection that are getting me. On that I’m good! It’s not the miracles. The fish and loaves, the water to wine and the healing of the sick is all good with me! I believe it! You see, it’s me. I am having a hard time truly believing for me. Deep breaths…. I’m not alone here. Maybe you can relate. If not, thankfully for me there’s this guy in scripture who can.
There is this story in scripture with a desperate father. We learn he has a son who has an unclean spirit. The man proceeds to say to Jesus “But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us. Jesus in return says to the man “If you can All things are possible for one who believes.” The father immediately cries out saying “I believe, help my unbelief” ( Mark 9: 21,23,24,) As some may know and others can conclude Jesus heals the young boy. Maybe it is just me but imagine looking Jesus in the eye and saying If you can. Um this is Jesus. But, as quickly as I spot the speck in this mans eye I find the plank in my own. I have been asking Jesus if you can, Jesus I am in my thirties, If you can still fulfill those dreams you gave me as a little girl. Yeah um Jesus I know what you have done for others but perhaps they are special. Surely you can’t and wont do it for me. Jesus I know you resurrected from the dead and ascended on high. I know you rose the dead, healed the sick, gave dignity to those bound by shame and oh yeah reconciled man to God. Somehow in my human frailty I fail to believe you will fulfill your promises of goodness to me. Sounds crazy but if we hold the mirror to ourselves you may see it it is true at times for not only me but you too.
Are you struggling to believe? Do you question what God may be able to do in you or through you? It had to start with complete honesty and transparency. If we are being real, he already knows. I admitted to my loving father that I was struggling. He helped me to understand why. Sometimes a lot of closed doors and no’s can rattle us. There is a proverb that states “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12) no after no, followed by a no, only to lead to a not now are disheartening. The truth is those no’s were not Gods perfect purposeful plan for my life. It was not that God could not bless me it is that those were not the avenues for me at that time. When I am in alignment with his will on his timing he will do what only he can do. I also trust him with the no’s. Albeit they may be painful and hard at first. His yes is as sweet as his no. Jesus has a track record. If he said it, he can do it. He will complete the work he began in you(Philippians 1:6) Even through a bout of doubt cry out I believe but help my unbelief. It is human to struggle and even wrestle through doubt. Be honest with the one who not only understands your humanity but crafted it. You were not meant to do this alone. Pray to be empowered by his spirit, walk in healthy and loving community and dare to believe!
Pause: Ask God to reveal any area of unbelief in your life? What caused it. What is lie you may be believing? Replace it with Gods truth.
Pray: Be honest about your struggle and pray He increase your faith and embolden you to move forward beyond any unbelief.
Pursue: It is time to believe and move as though you do. Is it his truth regarding you? Are you struggling to believe you are all he says you are? Renew your mind with his word. Is it a goal? A degree sign up for the classes. Move forward and remain open to this leading. Move with the nerves and all. Share with a sister in the faith who can hold you accountable and encourage you as they walk alongside you.
