Embrace It
To say the last few months have been eventful would be an understatement. 2020 has truly been full of the unexpected. All of the high hopes, detailed dreams and anxious anticipations on December 31 were challenged by circumstances beyond our control. What even is a global pandemic? What does it mean to quarantine? Why would there ever not be toilet paper on the shelves? A mask being as necessary as my wallet? What the actual what? The crazy thing is that was truly only the beginning. The atmosphere was right. All of the proper ingredients were brewing. Fire was thrown to the flame at just the perfect rate came a seismic combustion of social justice set a blaze to the forefront of the world stage. Somewhere between the madness for hand sanitizer, madness of self isolation and madness of racial conversations(not to mention every life made in the image of God lost) I felt the stress, trauma and heartache of it all setting in heavy. I had to make some moves. Focus in. Care for myself and my family and listen for the voice that has guided me to this very moment in time.
One restless night turns into a sleepless night or two and I knew my body and spirit were not at ease. I didn’t start that way. I started this season strong. I had a posture of prayer and an attentive ear to Gods spirit. I wanted to keep the noise on the outside. I kept moving. I got my sanitizer and cleaning products, I braved the crowds for groceries and household needs. I kept my children entertained and educated. Meanwhile times were brewing up some tension and turmoil. I could feel the changing waves of culture. I forged forward with my daily task. I continued to be dutiful in my home and with my family. Somewhere in the midst of the racial tension things started to rise up in me. My past, present and future had unrelenting questions and deep aches that wouldn’t keep still. It felt wrong. I felt like I should not be so upended. As though I should be fine at maintaining status quo. Somehow that my internal temperature ought not be distressed by outward circumstances. I began to question. How could one ever maintain the day to day with ease? If the outcry of the nation does not move, shake and disturb you, what will? What if this is exactly where I am suppose to be? What if the pain and shouts, the ignorance and apathy, what if the division of seemingly a nation is not supposed to remain on the outside of me? What if it is supposed to enter into my heart and mind and move me. Move me to reflect, love, speak up louder and act with more fever.
We are midway through the year and the future is unclear. It always is unclear we are just much more aware this year. The facade of control has been broken and revealed for the fallacy it is. We do not control our lives from one day to the next. No one can predict the future. I postured myself to hear and see at the start of these massive worldwide events. Not just hear what the world is saying but what the maker of the world is saying. I wanted to come out different, better. I am starting to believe God never intended me to feel ease when the world is aching and groaning. I am no longer fighting the discomfort but embracing it. It is okay to simply not feel okay. I am attentive for my purpose and my role at such a time as this. Sometimes different and better are not quite it, at times something has to die, an ideology, a comfort, a fear. I do not believe I will come out better. I believe I will be brand new. God does not bring questions and pains from the past without also offering healing and truth for that very past, God would not allow the current pain without purpose. I am also convinced I do not have the answers for the future but I have a promise for a hopeful one because I will never walk alone. These words may seem empty or like Christian rhetoric unless you understand the very attributes of the God who walks with me. He is love. He is goodness. He is faithfulness. With him comes joy, liberty, and forgiveness. He not only restores souls and dignity. He takes it further giving purpose and the promise of eternity. I am easing into the discomfort and allowing the pain to lead to greater purpose.
